surviving cancer 101: lesson 6

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There is a time for being ahead,
a time for being behind;
a time for being in motion,
a time for being at rest;
a time for being vigorous,
a time for being exhausted;
a time for being safe,
a time for being in danger.

The Master sees things as they are,
without trying to control them.
She lets them go their own way,
and resides at the center of the circle.


from the Tao de Ching by Lao-Tzu, Stephen Mitchell translation


6. know your options.


If "no" is your only option, open your ears and listen for others.

I was told 3 years ago, I had one "option", a pill that had little chance of working - other than to possibly control metastases to the brain. At the time, my cancer was like a teenager, running wild and this was the only option that my current oncologist had available to him.  We decided the time for us was to be in motion - the onus was on us to find out where our other options were. 

Our research led us to one of the premiere cancer research and treatment facilities in the world, M.D. Anderson. They had lots of options for me then, and still do. They may not ultimately be able to cure me but I am certain they will exhaust every possibility.  They have given me much more time than I would otherwise have had, they’ve given doctors, researchers, pharmaceutical companies, everyone more time to find the solution that will fix me and others.

Having options means not giving up. Not letting the crab grab all my energy and get stronger while I weaken.  A doctor who has options for me and is unwilling to ever say that's it, no more options, means that I can relax.  There is still time for being in motion, being at rest, being exhausted, and so on - they've given me that luxury.

I know I can't control the outcome, but I have found my peace in letting things take their course, knowing that when one treatment avenue closes, my doctor has more options available.  The windshield's big, rear view mirror small. 

surviving cancer 101: lesson 5

35

She who is centered in the Tao
can go where she wishes, without danger.
She perceives the universal harmony,
even amid great pain,
because she has found peace in her heart.

excerpted from the Tao te Ching, Stephen Mitchell translation

5.  Open your heart. 

Regardless of whether or not you're a believer, never ever turn down a prayer, a hug, an arm squeeze, a donut, any gesture of compassion, empathy, or love from anyone, including, and perhaps especially, perfect strangers.  

I’ve been bald twice and have otherwise looked pretty sick for 4-ish years (until a few months ago).  During this time, I've struck up conversations with countless strangers - at cancer centers, airports, the grocery store, wherever.  I've seen more good in people in the past 4 years than I have in the 43 that preceded it.  It might be because I've looked so vulnerable, and that does seem to bring out the best in a lot of people.  

An overwhelming number of people I've met want to add to me to their prayer list.  I'm not a church-goer, and probably don't have the same beliefs as many of these people, but this doesn't matter to me - or apparently to them - in the least.  I just say thank you, go for it.  I don’t care what religion anyone is - if someone wants to pray for me, send me good chi, hold a good thought, say a Hail Mary, whatever - I accept it all, and I'm grateful for it. I will take whatever people offer, whatever they can spare. 

Our visits to church are basically for weddings and funerals.  This summer, though, we were in France, on a canoeing trip, and I asked my husband, who could probably best be described as a fallen Catholic, to light a candle for me at Notre Dame.  Before you knew it, we were lighting candles at small churches all over France.  Lighting those candles gave me a sense that anything could happen - that it might work.  It was the same feeling that making the connections with strangers has given me - a feeling of being part of something much larger than myself, a feeling of grace.  

I believe that miracles can happen every day, and the more I open myself to that feeling, the better I feel.

surviving cancer 101: lesson 4

63

Act without doing;
work without effort.
Think of the small as large
and the few as many.
Confront the difficult
while it is still easy;
accomplish the great task
by a series of small acts.

excerpted from the Tao te Ching, Stephen Mitchell translation

4. the importance of structure

Try to find some small thing in your life you can do every day that makes sense. For me, it is crosswords. Puzzles provide structure and order to my universe, and are a way to feel challenged, and maybe have a laugh. Concentrating on them takes me away from the uncertainties that characterize my own life. 


Its nice to have a tiny little box of structure, which can be solved each and every day. They are as unlike my own life as can be - I do not control my disease, and the decisions that we've had to make have been difficult, and we, of course, can't know whether they have been, are, or will be the right ones. I just have to trust them. I cannot solve my disease, or even understand why I have it, but for some reason the act of solving a puzzle every day is comforting. 

surviving cancer 101: lesson 3

39

The Master views the parts with compassion,
because he understands the whole.
His constant practice is humility.
He doesn't glitter like a jewel
but lets himself be shaped by the Tao,
as rugged and common as stone.


excerpted from Tao Te Ching, Stephen Mitchell translation


3. the importance of amulets and talismans

Who can say how long talismans have been around protecting us? "Pliny was the first to record their use and register the term amulet, meaning "an object that protects a person from trouble"), a close cousin of the talisman which is essentially an object designed to bring good luck to and protect the owner." (Wikipedia). Pliny may have recorded their use but my guess is that humans have been carrying talismans for as long as humans have been running into trouble - since Day 1, in other words. Who knows what was the first thing to frighten us? When we decided things fell into good and evil camps? Did we first use our talismans to ward off carnivores, protect us from each other, prevent the loss of a child? 

I think amulets and talismans are universal - they're in all sorts of cultures - cultures where languages, religions, customs, have no common denominator, no common thread. I think its natural to have superstitions, to think that something can give you that extra edge. I never felt like I needed an edge until I got married, until I found something so precious the thought of losing it would take my breath away. My husband and I started collecting our talismans once we started dating. Our amulets are mostly rocks and shells that just have a lucky feel to them - a shape, a glint, something that makes them stand out. I carry a few of these with me whenever I go into the hospital or go to Houston for tests. They feel good in my hand. Sometimes when I really feel like I need some extra medicine, I'll bring a small ceramic dog we bought from a beggar in a restaurant in Mainz. I have other talismans - from my brother, my stepdaughter, my mom, close friends.

I like having them with me. They humble me and remind me that I'm not alone.